Mommy Dearest.

Aww man! The last few days have been liberating, motivating, inspiring, challenging and scary all at once. I read the articles posted about my father's sentencing and amidst the inaccuracies, paraphrases, truths and opinions, the thing that stands out the most to me are comments from people about my mother. I guess where contrary to my father's position in my life, my mother is still very active and present. We talk every day; she always calls me for advice. We shop together, I wash my clothes at her house, she has a relationship with her grandchildren, and we go to church together. So to have the public (and some friends) condemn her along with my father (though I know they do this out of concern), almost makes me question my own interaction with the woman that brought me into this world.

A painting that I love called I Remember, by the amazing artist RepDavinci
No, she did not protect me or my siblings from the man she chose to marry. Yes, her actions were selfish and unacceptable. No, I in no way condone her behavior. And definitely, it's a direct reflection on her ability to parent; yet I still forgive her. I am not responsible for her path in this life, so I take no responsibility. I maintain a relationship with my mom because I know she is regretful, and remorseful and does her best to atone. It took me a while to get to this place within myself; to let go of the past and focus on our present relationship, and sometimes I even find myself regressing; but, I tell you it's liberating and freeing as heaven to know that it's all under my control.

Emotions like hate, resentment and animosity take a lot of energy. In the long run, the person holding on to these feelings is the one that suffers. You think my dad is sitting in his cell right now giving a shit if I'm mad at him or not? But if I walked around still angry and hurt I may not be able to function. And as for my mother; when I was younger and I acted out towards her because I didn't know how to process what was happening to me, she didn't care. She punished for "talking back", "being feisty" or expressing emotion, as she busied herself trying to please her husband.  If I dwelled on those and the other mean and irresponsible things she did, I would still be mentally existing in that period. I'd still be thinking about the 'what if's', and 'could have beens', hindering my personal progression. 


And here lies the key. I can talk about my experiences, and write about my challenges because my heart is no longer in the time where my suffering took place; I am no longer there. I acknowledge the pain I felt and the confusion I suffered, but I've moved and continue to move passed them. I'm not afraid to look back, because I can truly appreciate that, that was then and this is now. I am no longer a victim plain and simple.

  
My mom and I have very candid conversations about the past; things she did wrong and why she did them. I tell her all the time she is the perfect example of what NOT to do. What I feel lacked in our relationship, I make sure to include in my relationship with my own daughters. The way my mother surrendered herself to her love for my father, I am conscious to not do that with any man. And the blind faith she followed him with, I reserve only for God. 

Some doctors believe that pedophilia is a condition. They suspect that to be aroused by a child is a sexual orientation that establishes itself during puberty. If caught early in life it can be treated. And yes, it's found mostly in men and rarely in women. I have my own reservations on this theory. I don't like giving people that have the gift of choice, an excuse of having no control. But that's just me. Either way, I truly believe in most cases, it is the mother's responsibility to protect her offspring. But not all mother's have that natural ability, and those that do still need help. I have read many books on parenting but I've yet to find one with a chapter on 'how to protect your child from sexual exploitation' and/or 'what to do if this happens to your precious one'.

I hope that through all of my experiences good and bad, and by continuing to use my mom as a model of 'what not to do', I will be able to write those chapters myself. 

Comments

  1. I can sense you have practiced the deep self love and understanding it takes to heal and be free, free to be beautiful and live whole. Namaste. The light in me sees the light in you.

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  2. Hi Azizza, you are truly a strong person. I don't know what I might have done or feel if something like this would have happened to me. I am glad that you have forgiveness in your heart. Although I don't understand your mother's action I do understand that there are mnay people who are weak with low self esteem who become physically, emotionally and mentally trapped in situations and do not possess the ability to even know how to escape certain situations, even if the solution is simply as leaving or going to the police. Someone women will rather have a man than to be by themselves. It is so easy to say "If that was my child I would have....", "If that was me I would have...." but not everyone is strong enough to follow through on those actions. I hope your book gets published because I would love to read your life story in order to get a better view of your situation and how you have overcome them. Please continue to stay strong.

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  3. Hey Azizza, you were on my mind all last night as I pondered the wonderment of your spirit. I asked myself what state of mind would I be in today if I had to endure the torture and torment you went through at the hands of your mother and father at the most early development/impressionable stages of your youth. Could I, would I be able to function, forgive and live for myself and my children. Could I cast down all resentment to become whole. The only answer I could come up with is, but God. I praise God for giving you the strength, wisdom and tenacity to forgive and live and not to let satan rob anymore of your life from you by being bitter and angry. You are a living testimony of what God can do. I hope and pray your mother is in a better place and realizes the generational pain and hurt she caused with her actions. I'm glad you learned and keep learning from it and didn't adopt it as normal. Has there been any response from the literary agencies on your book? I can't wait to read it.

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    1. Blessed night Dee.
      I really appreciate your heartfelt feedback. Thank you. So, you thought about me all night huh? Lol, no but seriously, you are correct. God is responsible for all of my blessings. As his creation I pull from the strength he's given me.

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    2. Dee,
      To answer your question about my book; no I have not caught the attention of any literary agents. I've been sending out query letters, but no replies yet. It will be the right time, when the time is right. I'll keep u posted.

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  4. You are VERY STRONG WOMAN.....much better than I because I don't know if I could have ever gotten to that point. I will be the first to buy your book

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    1. Thank you Kisha. And I'm thankful that you haven't had to see if you could actually get to this point (I hope that makes sense lol). But women tend to handle more than we think we could anyway. So you never know.
      Anyway, thank you for your support, and I wish your journey hurdle free!

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  5. Hi Z what I used to call u as a child. I don't know if you remember me you use to call me Auntie Deborah and I am your Godmother. I am so sorry for what you and your sisters went through. You are the epitome of strength. I think of you often and wished I could be in contact with you and your mom. I tried several times asking members of your family to give your mom my number and tell her to contact me but have not gotten a response. If this reply gets to u please give me a call Im listed in phone book.

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    1. Hello Deborah (I may be a little old to call you Aunty lol). I remember you. How are you? How's Rodney? I will try to contact you soon and I already let mommy know that you left a comment on my blog. Thank you for reaching out.

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    2. Thank u Z for replying Rodney's doing well he lives in S.C. He has 2 son's Jabriel who is 20 ur mom met him, a daughter Daja who is 17 and son Jordan who is a yr old, and a grandson Jabriel Jr. I would love to see all u guys. Im going through a rough time now my mom is very ill at 98 we are all praying that she bounces back asking for his mercy stay well and bless. PS your never to old to call me Auntie lol

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  6. Aziza, you are a blessing from God. Note that the lessons of God are not yet finished being taught. He sends his angels to be teachers to those who will need understanding in the future. You are an angel and it is your calling to help as many people who do not understand this logic.

    So many are ready to take their lives because the pain is so strong and the support is so little. God has sent you to do a might work in His kingdom. "To much is given, much is required."

    I am a victor myself and have been helping men, women and children try to pick up the pieces to their lives after sexual assault and domestic violence. I have turned my pain into community service and education to touch as many people as I can. My healing came from helping and this is where I found me. You are a strong woman, a smart woman and a very determined woman. You are the strength of your family. Blessings sister

    Monica

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  7. I heard about your story but never really took the time to find out the person behind the headlines. So happy to have discovered you. Shine on my sister!

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