I'm not sure if I should be blogging while I'm in this state of mind, but I'm going to anyway.
I'm not usually one to pity myself; shit happens basically. I've had children looking up to me all my life. First my siblings; they depended on me to entertain them for the hours our parents weren't home, to figure out what to eat when I wasn't old enough to use the stove; to keep them focused when we had to do our homework and stop whichever baby from crying when our mother wasn't around to breastfeed. When I had my own children I had to do some of the same things, but on top of that be a better example of a mother than what my own was. And that included protecting my daughters from my father. 

My father favored my children which also created animosity amongst everyone else. There were so many  psychologically confusing dynamics in our family that it's made me somewhat of a pro at dealing with stress in my life today. In addition I feel like I have to project a certain level of togetherness and strength to those around me. I can count the times on one hand that my children have seen me cry. Eighty percent of the time that I'm sick, I still go to work and school. Depression is not an option and if I feel a rut coming on I get exercising, or writing. You may ask; what is your point Aziza? And my reply is: despite the fact that I am doing well considering what my life has been there are times that I need help. But I have a serious problem asking for it. 


When my father would come into my bedroom when I was nine, he'd tell me that telling my mother would make her go crazy and I'd never see her again. And this was only one of the many lies he used to confuse his daughter to maintain control. After beating me because I tried to fight back when I was twelve, he said that my compliance gave him the strength to take care of the family.  I became use to having a lot of responsibility with little assistance.  There were decisions I had to make as a child that effected my entire family. And I was led to believe that if I asked for help the result would end in someone else's peril or sacrifice. Today, I don't want to put anyone out of their way, or have them inconvenience themselves for me. It's natural for me to put the needs of others in front of my own, but I have to convince myself that I'm deserving of the same treatment. Which is work in itself. So If I have a problem or a challenge, I pull up my boot straps, buckle down and handle my own business. But just lately I've been feeling  overwhelmed. There aren't enough hours in the day, days in the week, weeks in the month or months in the year for me to get all I have to do done. At the same time if I have a day where there isn't as much to do or things can't get done because they are outside of my control, I feel useless and unproductive. 

What am I suppose to do with myself? And that question is not rhetorical either. If anyone reading this post has any suggestions, I implore you to let me know. And while I'm at it, if you know a literary agent, a publisher, an editor, how to write a grant proposal, a financial advisor, a lawyer and have suggestions on dealing with a fourteen year old boy who's father is his grandfather who happens to be in jail for molesting, beating and raping his mother; please tell me. Because I need some help. 


  1. i hear you. it's complex for sure.won't say much,not sure if this is an open forum--but message me on faceboo for my email address. peace my sister. it's a work in progress..big time!
    margo k smith

    1. I messaged you Margo. Hope to hear from you soon. Thanks!

  2. Talking to a lawyer or a counsellor for guidance is very advisable on your case. For you to know the best way on how to reveal the truth to your son, without hurting him. And also to help you move on for good. Be strong.

    Vesta @ Zalkin.com

    1. Hi Vesta.
      I told my son over two years ago. It's funny because since this post he's been more receptive to communication. Thanks for you input.

  3. I have been abused by someone in my family and lived in what i call a verbally abusive household with my mother and father at each other's throats. I know that your life and my life are totally different in the circumstances but when it comes to the emotional damages it is the same. You feel the same way I did when i was letting go and you are struggling the same why i did....I can see it in ya eyes. My suggestion to feel better....cry. I know crying is a form of weakness but in my eyes is a release of emotions. It helps me let go of what my body is going through and i mean I cry. Please please don't ever deny yourself the feeling you going through because if you do it will only get worse...I promise you that. I have more advice but not sure if you want it. If you do please email me at kissme2x2000@gmail.com.

    Stay as strong as you can and if it becomes too much...ask for help.

    1. Thank you Somia for your comment. My father taught me to not cry. He said it was a sign of self pity, which he loathed. Now that I am away from him, I don't really cry out of habit, but I allow myself to feel all of my emotions; and yes, sometimes it does come out in the form of tears. I am not afraid of my emotions because though sometimes they can lead us astray, I believe God gave them to us to help navigate and enjoy this existence. Thank you for your input and suggestions, they are a big help. I will email you.

  4. As an incest victim. I feel your pain. My dad had a vasectomy so thought he would never get caught. Don't ever blame yourself. You are a survivor. Live your life and survive. Love yourself and be the best mother you can be.

    1. Thank you for sharing sevensiseggroll (what was the inspiration for that user name? lol). You have my sympathy and understanding. I did blame myself for a long time. I don't anymore and I hope you don't either. We are mirrors for each other, I see me in you and I hope you see you in me, positively. God bless and keep your head up!

  5. I just read of your story today on another media site, I had to google your name, I wanted to hear your story. Funny I never heard your voice, today I heard you loud and clear. I hear you my sister, I hear you. I am a gang raped survior, and a fatherless daughter, and I ask my self all the time, why me? I was raped by my 2 boys who I thought was my friend when I was 16 years old, today im 45 and I still ask why. Aziza you have a purpose, and its bigger than yourself. I know how you feel in more ways than you know. My hand is geniuely extended to you when ever, if ever, im here. Mizzjayeg@gmail.com

  6. You are an amazing human being. I'm in awe of the strength of your body and your mind. You definitely have my support! There are many who are on your side.

    1. Hello Jeni!
      Thank you so much. Your sentiments are very humbling. Thank you, And I am learning you are correct. Having people on my side is a far cry from what I am use to. I feel like i've been fighting alone for so long. Well God is on my side so I know I am not alone...but you know what I mean. Lol.

  7. PS I just friended you on FB Jeni Shakti Fujita. <3

  8. Just wanted to let you know you have my support. Sending you love & light. xoxo

  9. What type of lawyer do you need specifically? Depending on where you are, there are state and local bar associations where attorneys in particular practice areas list themselves as willing to do pro bono work in their field of specialization, if cost is a concern. There are also community legal aid programs, and they are usually affiliated with law schools, and that is something you might want to look into as well.

    1. Hi Liz!
      I've been told that I need an entertainment lawyer. I don't know if that makes sense. I signed up with Volunteer Lawyers for the Arts in NYC but they weren't much help. I will look into the law schools though. I never thought of that.
      Thanks a bunch!

  10. Dear Aziza,

    I too was sexually abuse by my father, and most of my life I thought my self to be a victim of my circumstances..and I told my self I was a survivor but even this is not healing to me..I am more than a survivor , I am a child of God, and this entitles me to miracles. I have being going on a healing process most of my life and I've come to the understanding that feeling like a victim only serves me to keep holding on the the suffering. I have learn through A Course In Miracles ..Who I AM. And this has empower me to create the life that God has intended me to live, and I learned that my function is to forgive myself, the people that I perceived hurt me and forgive the world I see. My pain is real and I honor it . However My suffering is a choice and I finally understood that my power is in the CHOICE I make for myself. I choose Love.

    Here is a practice I do to help me let go of all the suffering and embrace my power. Hope it helps you, I do believe Forgiveness is the key to peace of mind. I am on Facebook if you want to be friend me I would be honor I extend my love to you, because i now know we are really ONE. Here is the work from Iyanla Vanzant I am grateful to share her teaching here with you.LET US PRAY
    Dear God:
    Teach me to forgive myself so that my heart will open to forgive others.
    Free me from all forms of guilt, self-doubt, anger and fear so that I will know the true meaning of trust.
    Remind me of the good I am, the good I have, the good I deserve.
    Let good be the filter through which I see the world and all other people.
    Open my mind dear God so the all that I thought was wrong can be transformed into wisdom and power.
    Teach me God.
    Heal me.
    Remind me that all that I am, all that I have, all that I have seen and heard and known are blessings of your love.
    Today, I rest in Thee.
    And So It Is!

    Complete each of the following statements
    with the first thought that comes to mind.

    Today I am struggling to forgive myself for ___________________

    Today I am ready to forgive myself for ___________________

    I realize if I do not forgive myself I will continue to feel ___________________

    I forgive myself for thinking ____________

    I forgive myself for believing ___________

    I forgive myself for feeling _____________

    Today, I am willing to forgive myself for ___________________

    Today, I commit to walk the path of self-forgiveness in support of my healing, growth and evolution. I send you Love and Light Cynthia Orlando

  11. Hello Aziza,

    You have a hell of a story yet an amazing story. You will soon have people coming out of the wood works trying to assist you. Your task will be to filter thrrough and determine who to trust and who not to trust as it relates to lawyers and literary agents.

    I cannot phanthom your journey so I will not dare say I understand. I will say that my prayers are continually with you and will support you where I can. Inbox me on fb. I am neither a lawyer or a literary agent but would love to be connected to a super hero.....pghammond2000@yahoo.com


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