Repairing The Internet

As a survivor of sexual violence people I meet tend to walk on eggshells with me when it comes to things of a sexual nature. I am also expected to be modest and demure, and am judged on my expression of feminine sensuality. The vulgarity of what has happened to me has branded a salacious annotation on my forehead that I may never escape. When I relay my story I notice some of my audience reprocess their thoughts on my attire as they survey my cleavage and measure the clinginess of my pants. For a moment, I see their consciousness disconnect from my words as they attempt to imagine me as an exploited little girl; after which they compare their depiction of my child self, to the woman that's standing in front of them. Then their demeanor changes from that of engaged participation to withdrawn embarrassment.

When choosing the cover of my book, most that I looked to for feedback chose the picture of me wearing a turtleneck. Family members try to convince me to wear long skirts and loose shirts because they don't want anyone to think I "...liked what was done..." to me. And on my journey to expand my story to different media outlets I'm told that the posts on my blog where I speak of things like "yoni" and "orgasm", poses questions about my character. To this I ask: what gives? What is it about me that warrants such unrealistic expectations? I am a woman for crying

Bruce K. Cantrell

out loud; I have needs, I am confident, courteous, maybe a little flirtatious and most of all, just being myself! Then I realized; to blame myself for the discomfort people feel when they associate my victimization with my mature grown womaness (Grown womaness: feminine confidence and personal responsibility of ones own sexuality), is like saying as a child I did something to make my father molest me.

While I understand that the thought of a child being raped is difficult for most to digest, I can't help but be concerned how much of that difficulty is due to sexual arousal the thought provoked. Do people shuffle in their seats at the listening of my story, not because of a surge of compassion and sympathy running through their hearts, but because of a rush of passion and lust welling in their groins? Is sexual deviancy more common that we think?

Case in point: Kim Kardashian was recently featured posing nude in Paper magazine's winter issue

titled "Break The Internet". Before the release of the physical issue an internet sample was posted online, to which most people commented that they found Kardashian's pictures "shameful", "gross", "degrading" and "disgusting". Ignoring whatever photoshop or artificial enhancements that Kim Kardashian may or may not have had, the only adjective that came to my mind was: beautiful! There she is, a voluptuous, gorgeous woman standing demurely in the nude. All that was on display was her body. She is not presenting herself in a pornographic way. She is not spread eagle sticking something up her twat or sandwiched between two men with oversized genitalia. She is simply standing there, full breasted and big bottomed with an enduring smile on her face. So why are people so offended? I'll tell you why; because they are uncomfortable with their own thoughts (not including the haters of course). The problem with most Americans is that their minds

are in the gutter. An when I say "in the gutter", I don't mean erotic thoughts and feelings in general. I mean distorted, misguided, irresponsible, misconstrued interpretations of mental eroticism. How can an individual be so uncomfortable with their own sexuality that they hide, suppress and deny it, but consider themselves authorities on standards of sensual expression? All they're doing is impressing their own sexual guilt on others. The only reason why those that respond negatively to my expressions about sex in my writing take issue with it, is because they have a problem with what and how it makes them think and feel.

Now don't get it twisted, I don't condemn anyone for their thoughts; one's actions are all I'm concerned about. 

But, don't chastise me and claim I (or Kim for that matter) am inappropriate because I make you uncomfortable, when the fact is, you make yourself uncomfortable. 

Now that that's been said, seen and I'm sure very soon, heard; take some responsibility and instead of judging me, help me do something about those that do turn their thoughts into actions. The world (both physical and digital) will be the better for it.