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Sunday, July 27, 2014

Infamous

I've been dreaming about my father every night for the last two weeks. Themes of my dreams include everything from him calling me on the phone to tell me that his appeal had been approved and he would be out of jail within a couple of days; to a regular day in my present life with him in the background. In my sleep, the sound of his voice echoes through my head as if he has penetrated my thoughts. One morning when I woke, I pictured him sitting in his cell meditating on me and my children, plotting what he would do to us if he ever escaped. Questions of his exposure to the media flooded my brain; did he see the Katie Couric show? Has he read the numerous internet articles written on him? Does he follow my blog? My interpretations of the dreams where my dad is in the background of my everyday life, is a psychological manifestation of him in my life through my children and my work. And for the dreams where he tells me he's getting out of jail...well, that's a fear that I'm sure every person that has had a crime committed against them where the perpetrator has been convicted and punished, has. 
Dwennimmen. Adinkra symbol for strength

My mother's concern with me publishing my book is that it would make my father famous. That he would develop a following of pedophile supporters who share compassion for his predicament.
I told her while I did consider the possibility, I came to the conclusion that if he didn't have a following of sympathizers already, any he gained going forward will also be exposed to the consequences of engaging in child sexual abuse. "Let him become famous..." I told my mother. "...because in doing so, he will prove the perfect example of what could happen if you are to exploit a child for your sexual pleasure." 

I was sixteen years old and my first child was five months


I plan to visit my father in jail in the near future. I feel the chapter in my life that includes him won't be finished until I do. The only time I confronted him directly was at his sentencing. He held a piece of paper up to his face while he accused me of lying. I've grown since the last time he attacked me; since the last time he tried to contact me; since the last time I testified in court and since he cowered at his sentencing. He doesn't know me anymore and I'm sure he believes he still has power over me. I'm looking forward to the day when I look into his eyes as he suffers the consequences of his actions, list off all of my successes and achievements and say "You did your best to destroy my potential and you failed. Look at me now."